Singin' in the Lane

Breakin' out!

2009-03-25T12:26:00.003-04:00

It's a typical Wednesday. I'm at work. (Shhhh! Don't tell my boss! :) )

I'm sitting at my desk with various small projects to do: a quote to write up here, type an email there, print a couple manuals, fiddle with creating reports in our new database... But I don't feel like working.

I don't feel like sitting at this desk. I look with distaste at the papers scattered around me and with longing at the blue sky outside. What am I doing here? What is this something inside me that wants to bust out? Must I contain the creative energy pushing at my seams? Where are my pastels when I need them? Where's the dance floor? Where's the paint brush? A piano? What about splashing in the ocean? Brrrr! A random car trip? Anything but sitting for the next four hours at this desk!!!

Six years

2008-07-02T10:14:00.002-04:00

As of Monday John and I have been married for six years. It hardly seems possible that so much time has gone by. But then, we have endured and enjoyed much in that time. Monday evening we enjoyed swapping memories of days and times that we can now laugh at. :)

I still can't believe it-- six years!

Happy Birthday to me!

2008-05-29T13:47:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. It's hard to believe, but I guess I 'm getting used to being in my thirties instead of my twenties!

It was a mostly busy but bla day at work, but the day got better and better! My parents had a small flower pot in a tea cup from 1800flowers sent to my office , I spoke with everyone in my family. My dad left a particularly amusing sung message on my answering machine! Several friends called or emailed, and John actually wrote in a card and had it on my plate when I arrived at our regular "bad Chinese" dinner. (On Tuesdays and Wednesdays he teaches at a store in a strip mall with a Chinese place practically next door. I usually meet him there one of the two days.)

I really appreciate everyone's well wishes. They made me feel very special and loved. We all need to be reminded of that every once in a while!

Floating Away

2008-05-20T13:44:00.003-04:00

We are positively floating away out here! I told my mom recently, that if this weather pattern keeps up, we're going to need a boat! (Ironically, my grandparents are on a cruise. ;) )
The grass sure is emerald green, though. And the pansies love it. But I'm getting rather sick of it being wet, or threatening to be wet for at least part of every day for the past two weeks or so. And the times that it's not wet it's windy, so it still feels cool, and I still can't paint our house.

That's my new project. I have started, but only because I'm stubbornly looking over the fact that the house should be dry for a few days before painting. But I'm so excited about it! The paint on our house wasn't in the best shape when we moved in. Over the past four years the weather has really effected it, so now it's fading and peeling.

I have attacked the peeling steps first. Hooray for electric sanders! Our front and back steps look much better, though in my enthusiasm to get new color on them I didn't take off quite as much paint as I should. Oh well.

The aluminum siding will be a beautiful, pale yellow called Summer Smile. The shutters, doors and future planter boxes will be a muted green (of course) called Hanging Vine, and then we have a warm beige for the porches and foundation (Mediterranean Mocha). Ooo! I can't wait to see it finished!

Rain, rain go away, so I can paint for many a day!

The diet conundrum

2008-02-20T10:24:00.004-05:00

There is so much time, money and space concentrating on losing weight these days. It's all over magazines, such as Prevention and Reader's Digest, ads on TV and all over the internet. Diet, diet diet! Miracle pills! "Loose 40 lbs in two weeks!" "How to eat what you want and loose weight." "Easy low calorie dinners." Low fat! Low calories! No carbs!

It makes me sick. It especially bothers me since my doctor taught me that we are better off with fewer carbs than the general public eats; but more importantly, that the key to healthy eating is a balance between carbs (which our brains need in order to function), fat (which insures that we don't get sugar rushes and diabetes later on) and protein (for muscle growth and health)...

And yet... I'm finding that I need to concentrate on my diet, too, and it's just so hard. My primary issue is medication, which increases my appetite. My secondary problem is an addiction to chocolate! Oh, yum!

My previous medication caused me to loose a lot of weight. It was nice at first, but it wouldn't level off. I was technically still a healthy weight for my height and age, but I didn't feel healthy and believed that I might waste away if the trend continued. My current medication causes the opposite problem! Upon starting this medication I nearly immediately bounced back to a more comfortable weight, and my doctor pleaded that I not gain more (this medication can cause cholesterol to get out of hand). I don't believe that I'm eating that much too much, but I seem to continue gaining weight at much the same rate that I lost weight previously. I know that letting chocolate back into my life has something to do with it, but it just seems so unfair! I'm not even a "food person". If it weren't for the fact that we can't function with out it, I wouldn't miss very much food-- except for chocolate, of course!

Diet, diet, diet! Low fat! Low calories! No carbs! Yuck!

How come we can't just pick a weight, and our body obediently sticks with it?!

Chocolate Craving

2008-01-11T15:33:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's with me today. I'm tired, easily over-whelmed and irritable; and all I can think of is wanting chocolate.

I've realized recently that chocolate and sweets in general affect my mood negatively, so I'm trying to stay away from them. It seems that there is a never ending supply of something tempting, and someone tempting me with them at work. So I appealed to my coworkers to stop offering or encouraging "cheating." Of course, all I need is for them to leave the room for me to raid a candy jar. Right now there are dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses. I can plop one of those in my mouth in a jiffy and enjoy sucking on it for several minutes.

Today, though there have continually been people in the room! I can't raid the jar! So, of course, I crave chocolate (and solitude) more.

I escaped to WAWA for some hot chocolate, a king size bag of peanut M&M's and some solitude in my car. At least my craving is satisfied, but who knows the longer term repercussions, though. I hope it's not too bad. John is playing in a faculty show case tonight. I don't want to be in a down mood for that.

Reassuring Conversation

2008-01-04T15:34:00.000-05:00

There are times when we don't quite get what we're hoping for out of a conversation. That was not so for me today.

As most of you know, I have a BM in composition and an MM in choral conducting. But, as you may also be aware, I work 9-5 (well... 9:30-5) as an administrative assistant (sales administrator is my new official title!). I feel like a failure being in a no growth job for 5 years. It's not a bad job by any means. I am respected and treated well, but sometimes I don't feel as though I'm challenged enough, and I worry about music in my life. I don't want a church job, a professorship or a school job, and composition is just hard, so what do I do? How do I reconcile music in my life when we need this 9-5 job for income and health benefits, and I'm not sure I can really sustain the life of a musician/ conductor.

I've talked to several people about it. "Why don't you make music your hobby?" they suggest. Two degrees and over 15 years of dedication a hobby? My therapist has not been able to help much. Most therapists seem to really be clueless about the life of an artist.

I have wanted to talk about my dilemma to someone who really understands, so I set up a lunch date with a former professor with whom I have worked for several years and then kept in touch. He knows me as a person, and as a conductor and composer. I showed him a piece that I wrote recently for a small community choir and launched in.

As I spoke I realized that what I need most is reassurance that what I'm doing and where I am is ok. I'm not a failure.

"I watched you, and saw all the stuff you have to do," I stumbled. "I love being on the podium, but I just don't think I can handle the rest of what it takes. I keep thinking about how Dr. F would shake his head if he knew that I'm not conducting, but I know I shouldn't worry about that..."

"What's most important is that you are happy... You make decisions based on where your life takes you... Dr. F wouldn't shake his head if he took the time to know why you've made your decisions... You can do as little or as much as you like... What you are doing allows John to do what he is doing, and that is special."

His words felt like a comforting blanket.

We talked about trying to compose more, enter competitions and figure out how to publish and market my music. I wouldn't make a lot of money, but it is all possible. I can pursue music and be happy. Even with a 9-5.

What a comfort. What a relief. And best of all, no matter what I'm not a failure.

It's that time of year...

2007-12-23T11:51:00.000-05:00

People around me have been bemoaning the traditions of Christmas. "Are you sick of Christmas music?" they ask. "I just hate the commercialism of it," they continue. "It's such a hassle: buying the right present, wrapping, driving to see family, cooking that same meal..."

I try not to listen to these people too much. Christmas has been a rough time for me for several years. I have battled depression and loneliness because my husband works so much during the weeks approaching this fated day, and our family is so far away that we haven't spent Christmas with them since before getting married 5 years ago.

Out of necessity, I learned to prepare for Christmas. I write my Christmas letter in October, or at the very latest Thanksgiving. I buy gifts throughout the year as I see things that my family and friends might enjoy finding under the tree. This year I even did some of my shopping on the internet. I wrapped gifts as I bought them and shipped my boxes in plenty of time.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not trying to be self-righteous, but if there's the possibility that getting out of bed on December 23rd might be a plenty difficult task, it behooves me to to enjoy the process of giving earlier. By so doing, I avoid the throngs in the parking lots, the cheesy, secular "holiday" songs in the stores and the rush of Christmas.

For the time being, my season is still free of all the obligations that come with having children. My attitude may change when the day finally arrives that they will be in my picture of Christmas. But for now, I am trying to enjoy Christmas like a child. I put up our little tree and creche scene, and strung colored lights on the house. I take detours into residential neighborhoods on my way home at night so I can marvel at other people's creativity with lights.

Thankfully, the veil of depression has remained at a distance this year, so I can truly enjoy this Christmas season.

So ask me:

The giving of gifts? Special.

The receiving of Christmas cards and year summary letters: Heart-warming.

Time spent with family? I look forward to it one day.

Christmas music? I love it. The other night I sang my way through my Oxford Book of Carols, and I don't mind hearing that omnipresent waltz one more time...

It's that time of year

When the world falls in love

Every song you hear

Seems to say,

"Merry Christmas. May your

New Year Dreams come true!"

And this song of mine,

In three quarter time

Wishes you and yours

The same thing, too.

I love snow!

2007-12-07T10:27:00.000-05:00

Wow how time flies!

It's already winter - kind of. We've had our first and second snows, but the high is still around 40 degrees today. Shucks! I love snow.

Peope around here get nervous when it snows even only less than an inch. People stay in a lot, and when they do go out traffic moves significantly under the speed limit. I don't get it. Oh, well. The roads really aren't that bad as long as people keep moving!

I think the snow is delightful as it falls, and beautiful as it clings to branches and nestles into the lawns. Christmas lights even have a more magical glow with snow around. Snow softens the sounds of bustling people and conversations. I love the kind of snow that crunches underfoot. :)

We may be getting some more soon. I hope so.

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

I did something nice yesterday

2007-06-22T14:30:00.001-04:00

We have a screened in porch that our cat, Minnie, adores and our cat, Clara, fears. Clara had just grown comfortable with us out there at the end of our first summer in the house. Last summer, though, it was a mess of saw dust, wood and tools since we used it as a work room. I felt sad for Minnie, but it was better than hefting the large pieces of wood or drywall up from the basement and having the laundry area filthy. Then the fall came, and John's teaching career took off. No time for those projects, AND no time to do the final vacuum. The shopvac rested in the basement comfortably unaware that it had neglected the porch.

I hoped and requested that John do the porch justice when he brought the shopvac up to clean the mess of gardening this spring, but he always found something else to do-- always worthwhile, but still Minnie couldn't enjoy the great out doors just a little bit closer and bigger than windows allow.

Earlier this year I had a slipped disk, and somehow I got deconditioned, so I couldn't do much about hefting a shopvac and bending over for 30 minutes to collect as much sawdust as possible. But yesterday, while John was out teaching, I schlepped that big, grey "sucker" out onto the porch. I now understand why John put off this "little" job! It was hard work!

I didn't get all of it. Dust jumps, you know! But I'm satisfied that our obsessive-compulsive bather of a cat will be able to enjoy the out doors and not get sick on small particles of wood.

After the horrendous noise of the big, grey scary thing stopped, Clara thought about going out, but chose to hang out in the kitchen. No matter. It was a pleasure seeing Minnie enjoying herself out there watching the birds and squirrels in the evening sun. Ah to have the life of a cat....

I didn’t want to come back here.

2007-01-03T22:02:00.000-05:00

I’ve been here before.

I didn’t want to come back.
When I left the last time
I told myself:

“You are strong now.
You know what signs to avoid.
You’ll never end up there again.”

But I’m here again.

I fought and fought.
I worked to avoid those signs,
But the tendrils are too strong.

It doesn’t feel good here.
I want to leave.
Help me find the way.

I didn’t want to come back here.

Short winter days

2007-01-02T17:48:00.000-05:00

Last winter my office lacked windows. I could walk to a different room to look at the outside world, but for the most part I just had walls. It wasn't such a bad situation when there was ugly weather going on outside, because it could be cloudy, blowing or sleeting and I wouldn't know it. But I missed the sun: shining and setting. It was a rude awakening to walk out to my car after work in the dark, when the last time I had checked it was warming my windshield. I had no idea!

This year is different. For one thing, we finally got our promised windows! Not only can I see what the weather really is, I can watch the sun set from my seat.... well, not exactly, but I can see the change in the quality of the light and the colors thrown on the clouds. If I go to the window I can see the orange blaze as it passes behind the trees. It is beautiful.

I also decided to prepare myself this year. I found a website with the sunrise and sunset times for our area (somewhat approximate since trees and buildings get in the way, but a general idea is better than none), and wrote them in on my desk calendar. Most of us know that the shortest day is the winter solstice, which is generally also the first day of winter. But did you know that the sun continues to rise later for a couple of weeks even as it starts setting later? The good news is, though, that next week the sun will start getting out of bed a little earlier; slowly at first, but the days will truly lengthen once again. Ah! Bliss!

The sun has dipped below the horizon by the time I get in my car to go home these days, but if the sky is right, its essence lingers until I pull into my driveway. Seeing that hint of color left on the horizon makes me happy.

How simple phraseology can obscure the meaning

2006-12-11T12:58:00.000-05:00

I was sick for a long time in October and November because a certain medication reeked havoc with my liver. We did not catch it quickly because it came disguised as a normal stomach virus, and the medication effected the liver a lot more quickly than normal. Anyway... I stopped the medication and the situation improved slowly but surely.

I have since started another medication that does not effect the liver, but am still on one that can. My doctor left a message on my machine Friday afternoon with the latest blood work results. It looked good, but the "liver enzymes are high. Please give me a call when you get a chance."

"Oh, shoot! It's after hours. Do I need to call his emergency number, or is it ok to wait until Monday? Did the level go back up?Will I need to go off the anxiety medication?....What does this mean?...." Why did he have to leave the message on Friday? I spent the weekend worrying about what I didn't know. I was so anxious that I even started losing my appetite and thinking it was because of the liver enzymes.

This morning I called my doctor who calmly told me that we just need to keep watching it, but that the level was higher in the previous blood work.

"So it's lower than it was before?" I asked. "We don't have to change anything? We just have to keep checking it?"

With that knowledge I feel much better than I did even earlier this morning! It's just a shame that I had to spend all of that energy worrying about it. I'm going to be just fine.

Isn't it amazing how powerful the choice of words can be?

Autumn Shadows

2006-11-11T16:06:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed the shadows in the fall? I think that they are beautiful.

In the summer we gravitate to the broad shadows created by thick green bushes and trees to shield us from the heat of the sun. In the fall, though, the shadows are cold and as crisp as the air. We long for the gentle warmth of the sun and watch as it plays with the shadows.

The middle of the afternoon is my favorite time to watch them. Trees nearly bare streak boldly across the lawn, throwing their grand silhouettes up the side of the house and over the roof.

Others still dance in the breeze allowing the sun to filter through the few remaining leaves creating playful patterns on any surfaces they find.

We have collected them all now. While trying to stay warm in the sun, we raked the dancers. They did not want to stop dancing even as the rake passed over them pulling them into piles on the lawn. They sit in crammed bags or vast piles on the side of the road now, and it is time to look forward to snow, but I miss the shadows of the dancing leaves.

Shadows are still around, of course, but the sun moves toward it's winter position and often hides behind clouds. It's simply not the same experience.

Have you ever noticed the shadows in the fall? I think that they are beautiful.

Long time no post

2006-10-14T15:29:00.000-04:00

There have been a few times that I've had a funny anecdote to throw in here, like how I've been doing these scaled drawings, and the scale I came up with was a complicated algebraic formula based on the scale I'd used for a larger version of the same drawing, only to find that it was much simpler to simply divide the centimeters by 100 to get the pixels! What are the chances that I just happened to chose that scale the long way!

But I have actually been having a hard time for the past 6 weeks or so. First with the spasms in my shoulder, which still haven't completely healed, and then a stomach virus that seems to have aggravated something more serious-- treatible, but something that requires a GI doctor. I can only eat small portions at a time of the simplest foods 4 weeks after the virus. My primary doctor was out yesterday, but his assistant checked me out and said that whatever was going on was beyond her realm of treating, and that I should see a GI doctor and have some tests done. While she went to try to call the doctor at a conference, the RN came in to talk to me and John about it. She suggested going to the emergency room, because they could do the tests, since it usually takes 2 weeks to get into the GI doc's office, and then he'd send me out to get the tests. I've lost too much weight, and am in enough pain, though, that would be too long. So we spent 5 hours in the emergency waiting room on Friday the 13th until I finally got called back where we sat for another 4 hours between waiting for the tests and waiting for the nurse to come back with the results and discharge me.

I'm kicking myself for not telling them about the esophogeal pain, so that they would do the barium swallow (disgusting! but might have shown something.) But the blood work came out alright, so no infection, and the x-rays came out alright so now blockage or inflammation or pancriatitis (I KNEW it wasn't that! A college friend died from that, but he was overweight, and had had a serious alcohol problem earlier in life.)

They sent me home with a different antacid (I'd been taking Nexium for a year, so it obviously wasn't doing it's job), and another medication to help sooth the cramping or something. It makes me pleasantly drowsy at least for a little while. Hopefully, this will help calm things down enough, so that I can eat enough while waiting to see the GI doctor. Thankfully, the nurse knows a GI doctor that she HIGHLY recommend as being caring and really listening. It is so nice when doctors actually listen! I don't believe the nurse who registered me at the hospital really listened or believed me. I swear he didn't take my temperature, even though he told the nurse who did my blood work that it was done. I did have a slight temperature at the doctor's office, but they recommended NOT telling the ER that the doctor told me to go, but that he said to go if it got worse. Otherwise, they might have told me to come back Monday! Why do things always have to happen on Friday!

The purpose of the visit was to rule out things that the doctor's office couldn't check for, so even though I'm disappointed with the seemingly belittling diagnosis of gastritis (As if I didn't know that there was too much acid present) and unexplained abdominal pain, I guess those 9 hours served their purpose. I'm just disappointed with myself for not mentioning the esophagus and heart burn, but I didn't have that much of it then. Shucks.

The morning is the most difficult. Thankfully, after taking all of my medication and talking to several friends and one of my brothers, I'm feeling less overwhelmed and better in general.

Unfortunately, the long day yesterday, the lack of sleep last night (we got home at 1:30am and I begged John to go get my medication at 6 or 7 this morning) and then a two hour rehearsal, John is sleeping off a migrain before he has to go to the next rehearsal. :(

It's now time for the drowsy pill, so I'll talk to you all later.

Requesting prayers

2006-09-25T11:34:00.001-04:00

A good friend of mine from grade school moved to South Jersey with her husband and daughter two years ago. Last Friday the 15th she gave birth to her second daughter. All went well, but within a week my friend was in the ICU with a staph infection that reached her heart causing endocarditis (inflimation of the aortic valve in her heart).

She is out of critical condition now, but still very sick, tired and in pain. Thanfully, several members of her husband's family live in the area, so they are available for support and to take care of the children.

My husband and I visited her yesterday. It makes me so sad to see her this way. It's simply not fair. She was unable to see her newborn for 5 days and was only able to see her children briefly this weekend! I can't even imagine how heartbreaking (pun not intended) that must be.

She will recover, but it will be a long process.

I know that most of you don't know her, but if you could say a little prayer for her and her family that would be appreciated.

The season is changing

2006-09-23T18:03:00.000-04:00

The school buses are running, the sun sets before supper; today I noticed leaves strewn on our lawn...

We are working to reseed part of our lawn and plant bulbs before it gets too late; neighbors, too, finish gardening business to prepare for the first frost; soon will come the time to clean-up the lawn mower so it can rest for the long months of winter...

In the summer we keep only a sheet on our bed, but last night we pulled out the blanket; it's getting more difficult to get up at 7am to take our morning walk because the air outside of bed is so cool; sometimes the sun still hasn't quite burned through a thin veil of fog as we step out to walk, but soon it will rise to warm the air, as long as clouds don't over take it...

Dew still drapes over my car when I head to work; I shiver from the blast of air conditioning and quickly switch to heat, which is utterly unnecessary on the way home...

it's not quite time to turn on the heat, but the air conditioning hasn't been on much lately either; our cats are already acquiring thicker coats; it's not quite time for us to "change out the clothes", but give it a few more weeks...

Although I do not relish shorter days, I do look forward to the trees dawning their fall colors, a change of wardrobe myself, pumpkin bisque and cozy blankets...

The season is changing.

Doctor Fears

2006-09-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

It's absolutely unbelievable how much anxiety I have deciding whether or not I should go to the doctor.

Take these muscle spasms for instance. I knew that I was in a lot of pain for two days and typing was excruciating, but I couldn't decide if I needed to go to the doctor, chiropractor or just let it rest. I called the doctor's office, and he believed it was worth getting looked at. When he saw me, he listened to my story, inspected the area and determined the problem and two possible courses of action. We decided that I would make another appointment to get trigger point therapy (medicine injected directly into the knotted areas of the muscles followed immediately by pressure to inhibit bleeding and start the relaxation process) to relax and heal the muscles. He also gave me a topical solution to help the pain in the meantime.

I rested that day, but made it to work on Wednesday and Thursday. I felt good enough Thursday afternoon that I started doubting whether my doctor would still see the need for the therapy. By Thursday night I was back in pain, but I didn't really feel as though the knots were there as such. I was really confused! Is this all just more manifestations of fibromyalgia, or is this still a "real" problem? To top it off, I was afraid of the needle, because he said that if it *hurt* we had hit the right spot!

As I lay in bed trying to get to sleep last night I thought about several of the times that I had needlessly gone to the emergency room (some probably fibromyalgia symptoms and one rather unfortunate ambulance ride because someone misinterpreted a panic attack resulting from a muscle spasm as a spinal injury!), the doctors who did and the doctors who didn't believe that I have high blood pressure, the times nothing was wrong, and the times the doctor looked at me and said, "What took you so long?" It's enough to make me doubt the reliability of my assessment of the situation.

Of course, it is harder to remember the times I *did* make the right decision!

I slept poorly and was still rather worried when I got to the appointment this morning. My doctor *did* definitely still see reason for the therapy, told me exactly what was going to happen and that it would hurt, but in a good way. He exuded calmness and compassion. The injections went well, and we could definitely feel the muscles start to relax. It will take 24 to 72 hours to feel the full effect, but I made the correct decision.

I confided my fear to my doctor, who wisely reminded me to listen to the small voices inside me-- the ones like the Holy Spirit. You may have to dig through the voices of fear and judgment, but you can trust the small voices.

Have I mentioned that I have a fabulous doctor!

If it's not one thing, it's another!

2006-09-12T14:47:00.000-04:00

So things in my life were improving. Pain was better, mood was stable, sleep was sooo much better, exercise more consistent... But, as one of my favorite songs says, "It looks like smooth sailing, so I better hold on tight."

In short, over the past week I developed this painful stiffness in my neck and shoulders. It was aggravated by having to hold music for most of the choir rehearsal on Wednesday. And then thoroughly aggravated by having to hold music for rehearsal followed by two services on Sunday morning. I was in so much pain during the NT reading and sermon that I was missing every three or four words. I ducked out to slather my neck and shoulder with IcyHot. It dulled the pain a little bit. Yesterday I lasted at work for 2 hours before I declared that it was simply too painful to type, much less sit up in the chair. I went home to watch four movies and try to loosen my poor muscles with my trusty heating pad.

I called my doctor for advice, and he had me come in this morning. Anything dealing with pain is so complicated when you throw fibromyalgia into the mix. Thankfully, it's nothing serious, but no less painful. Muscle spasms-- when the muscle works non-stop instead of relaxing every once in a while. He gave me this topical stuff to help the pain, and then I'll go back for shots to loosen and heal the muscles. Fun!

It feels a little better today, and I plan to go to work tomorrow, but I hurt. :(

First photos

2006-09-04T21:29:00.000-04:00

Today I had a lesson in putting on make-up, and doing a few more creative things with my hair! It's going to take a long time for me to get accustomed to make-up, especially putting on eye make-up! But we had a good time.

Here are a few picutres.

Finally, here are before and after pictures. The before picture is the one that inspired my mom to help me improve my self image!

John's incredibly insightful observation

2006-09-01T21:19:00.000-04:00

John and I went to Red Lobster tonight to celebrate his getting hired as a flute teacher by a local boarding school. John has been going to Red Lobster since he was a kid. If I remember correctly, he and his grandmother had monthly dates there. He even remembers when they started serving their cheezy biscuits.

Tonight after over 15 years of eating Red Lobster biscuits served in their specially shaped basket John made an "incredibly insightful observation."

"Hey, look," he said pointing at the basket. "There's a fish!"

I couldn't help bursting out laughing.

I noticed that the basket was shaped like a fish the first time he took me to Red Lobster!

I've always said that he has selective vision. :)

Make-over update

2006-08-31T20:05:00.000-04:00

First I'd like to share a really beautiful coincidence. I received emails from two of my friends on opposite coasts at exactly the same time! 7:32pm. Who would have thought it possible. :)

Now for the update. Last night I met up with two friends who tirelessly worked to convince me that I am beautiful and should show it off. We spent two hours shopping: trying on jeans after jeans and pants after pants and all sorts of tops. Oh! But first they took me to get my eyebrows waxed! What an experience!

It is all quite an adjustment. I spent my whole life thinking that I was plain and ugly (except for my hair), and then they put me in jeans and slacks that I would never buy on my own to show off my butt, waist, hips... and tops to show of my bust and waist. In a way I felt naked. I have always covered up those things. Maybe I was hiding from myself.

I was extremely relieved, however, when one of my friends, who was a model as a teenager, strongly encouraged me NOT to cut my hair! My mom doesn't like the way I have been wearing it half up. Perhaps that's why she wants me to get it cut. But when my friend and I get together tomorrow for the make-up part, she's going to show me some other ways to wear it down, but out of my face. I'm glad, because I really don't want to cut if off.

I keep imagining Jo in the old black and white version of Little Women crying herself to sleep after cutting her beautiful long hair to earn the money to send their mother to their war injured father.
"Father will be alright, Jo. Don't worry," her sister consoles her.
"That's not it," Jo sobs back.
"What is it, then?"
"My hair!"

I went shopping today!

2006-08-27T15:34:00.000-04:00

Yes, I went shopping and all by myself. It might sound strange to you, but that is actually quite a feat for me! I relied on my own judgment instead of requiring the approval of anyone else.

I went to church this morning (we sang Brahms' "How Lovely is Thy Dwelling Place" for the Anthem today! Ah! Bliss!), and then decided to stop by Sears just to see what the clothing selection was like since I'm trying to move out of my frumpy stage, but still have to account for the Zoloft/ M&M's belly. I decided to try on a whole variety of clothes, even some that I wouldn't normally think I'd like-- just to try.

Well... some of the things I thought I'd like, I didn't really. And some of the things I didn't think I'd like surprised me! And, I found to my great pleasure, that I can still fit into size 8 skirts, it's just the shorts and pants that need to be bigger. Sigh of relief!

I walked out with two skirt and blouse sets, an additional top for each skirt, and a beautiful red top, because I can never have too many red tops. :)

I felt slightly guilty spending the money on myself, but so pleased with some more mature, feminine and flattering outfits for the fall!

Creativity at work

2006-08-23T20:29:00.000-04:00

My job is rather boring at times. I often find myself playing computer games or surfing the web for much of the day. I have often pondered whether I was depressed because of my job, or simply bored at my job because I was depressed. Don't get me wrong, it's a fine job most of the time. The people respect me, they give me space when I needed, try to make me talk when I need to, offer good health benefits, let me correct their grammar (I only do that when I'm typing up letters and such). But you get the idea.

When I feel good, I can usually find some kind of organizational or otherwise creative project to keep me busy. Would you believe it, before I relabeled dozens of files we had to constantly try to remember, "Now was that Bakery of New York or THE Bakery of New York?" There was practically a whole drawer of customers starting with the word 'the.' Not anymore! had anyone there been in a library before? Likewise, customers and leads without business names were filed by first name! One of my latest projects has been shifting the tabs on the hanging files to insure that there aren't three files in a row with the tap in the same location. Files simply disappear that way. :)

The project du jour (or deux jours) has been creating new directions to our office. A year ago my boss sold the building, and we are now in a different part of the building, and then the turnpike authority decided to entirely change the design of the off-ramp for our exit. The guy who was at the company before me (he was actually a salesman, but set up several organizational things as well) created a document to send with a drawing and some written directions. It always bothered me, though, because he oriented his drawings so that driving south was actually going *up* the page instead of down. Aren't all maps more or less designed so that north is up and south is down?

I love creating better versions of the things that this previous guy did. Yes, a little pride issue. :) In any event, I am quite proud of the drawing that I came up with. I show stop lights and can even fit the entire directions for coming to our office from two major roads on the same page (as opposed to one major road on two pages). It's a little thing, but it makes me happy. And I've decided to create similar documents with directions coming from the south and west! Fun!

My drawing program of choice? Microsoft Word. ;)

So much for a swimming date

2006-08-22T21:29:00.000-04:00

I woke up in a crappy mood this morning. I don't understand how, seeing as I'm on a potent sleeping medication, went to bed on time and got 7.5 to 8 hours of sleep. Rather frustrating! My dear husband knew just the cure. Of course, in my mood I wasn't too receptive, but grudgingly put on clothes for a walk. It is amazing what moving the blood around does. I wasn't in a great mood afterward, but definitely improved.

John teaches at a music store until 9pm on Tuesday's, so I usually go swimming right after work. Today, though, his last students rescheduled, so we planned to go swimming together. So... John got home, we grabbed our bags and walked down the block and across a 4 lane street with no cross walk to the gym. Just as we opened the door, however, I realized that I'd left my keys with my key chain gym pass at home. So... we walked back across the road and up the block to the house, retrieved the keys, walked back down the block, across the busy street...

Finally, we made it to the gym. I got into my swim suit, checked the dreaded scale, and then at probably the same moment in our separate locker rooms we read the sign on the pool door:
The pool willl be closed from Monday, August 21st through Sunday, August 27th for maintenance. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Well... change back out of the swim suit and head across that busy street and back up the block to the house once again!

At least we did get some exercise, and I'm in a remarkably better mood inspite of it all

Monday, Monday

2006-08-21T19:53:00.000-04:00

I don't have much to say today. It's been kind of a bummer day.

Yesterday evening I put on some shorts that used to be loose and no longer are at all. It was rather upsetting, especially since I've been doing everything right for the past few months. Fie on Zoloft and M&M's months and months and months ago! Everyone says I just have to be patient....

Anyway, I did eventually find something that fit, and we drove out to the shore for supper and a walk on the beach. It was nice. I love the sound, feel and smell of the ocean. It's so awesome and powerful. Mysterious really. We couldn't tell if the tide were still rising or turning. But then along came a wave that caught both of us unaware. We were able to stay standing, but we'll just say underwear got splashed!

The sound of the ocean has always been calming for me. It was so nice to be away from the real world for 30 minutes or so. But then it was time to head back up to the boardwalk to wash up and drive home. As we walked the sound of the waves grew fainter and the sound of the world grew louder. I stopped to catch the last bit of the ocean before continuing onward to the sound of a siren, someone's radio, people laughing as the walked down the boardwalk.

I wished we could have stayed in the ocean world a little longer. Away from clothing sizes, anxieties and world issues. Wouldn't it be nice?

My apologies for missing yesterday!

2006-08-20T15:33:00.000-04:00

My husband and I spent hours outside digging out grass and weeds parading as grass on the south side of our house to prepare a flower bed. We decided to take a "break" and check out nurseries to compare prices for bulbs. We had seen bulbs at Home Depot the night before, so we were rather suprised to learn after driving to no fewer than 4 nurseries all over the area that bulbs aren't even available for purchase for another month!

Undetered, we headed back home for some more work... only my body said, "please don't do anymore." It pleaded, I persisted with at least pulling out weeds if not jumping on sovels, digging up sections of lawn and then sitting on my knees to shake the dirt out of the clump. Believe me, I'm sore!

I checked online for online bulb catalogues, so I can start my comparison shopping, but then I just didn't have the energy for a blog. :( I made it to church this morning, but took a 2 hour nap upon returning home!

New shoes!

2006-08-18T18:41:00.000-04:00

I have resisted shoe shopping for years. I kid that my husband has more pairs of shoes than I do! Finding shoes that fit my feet is nearly impossible. My feet are rather narrow, but my big toes are rather big. And to add insult to injury, I have to wear orthodics. Finding shoes that fit both my feet and my orthodics proves to be quite a challenge.

For the past 6 years I had resigned myself to sneakers. When my white and blue ones were deemed unacceptable for choral performances, I found black ones, which I ended up wearing day in and day out. When they died, I replaced them with the same ones.

Finally, I heard of a brand that actually does make shoes that my feet and orthodics fit into: Sketchers. I located stores that carry them, and low and behold, there was even a sale! I bought three pairs! I now have some *white* sneakers, a pair of brown flats and a pair of black flats that have sparklies on them.

The magic?
1. Their insoles are nearly as tall as my orthodics, so I can easily replace their insoles with mine
2. Even though they don't come in narrow sizes, the cute strap is velcro and adjustable
3. They still have rubber soles to absorb some of the shock of walking
4. The toe area is nice and round, so there is plenty of room for my big, big toes!

I wore the borwn shoes today and feel so much more feminine and stylish! I never thought I'd like shoes. :)

I am thankful

2006-08-17T19:41:00.000-04:00

Someone recently reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. Even though I struggle with two chronic diseases (more on the second later) that limit my activities and dreams, at least for a while, I'm still in a better place than many who share my situation or similar ones. She is absolutely correct. I know how some people with these diseases live from support groups online and in the area. So, I decided at that moment to write a list of what I have to be thankful for.

A supportive family. Even though it has been difficult at times for them to understand and know how to help (especially being 3,000 miles away), they continue to support and have faith in my ability to fight to overcome my limitations.

An unbelievable husband who has stayed by me even through the worst of my depression, continues to believe that I will find balance and enjoyment in life. He is an inspiration to me, because when he first came out here it was very hard to find work as a flutist, and even though he doubted himself at times, he persevered and is finally really succeeding at pursuing his passion of playing and teaching the flute.

Friends who are a never ending source of love, laughs and support. We're always there for each other, we just have to call, or write. Wow!

We own a house with a beautiful little plot of land. Homeownership can be stressful, especially if you are trying to remodel it yourself, but it is a blessing as well. We have wonderful neighbors, which is also a plus.

Even though I've had some pretty disfunctional days (playing computer games and brooding at my computer much of the time), I've been able to keep my job, and the people I work with are understanding and appreciate me.

A great team of doctors. My therapist shares many patients with my psychiatrist; my primary doctor is my therapist's primary doctor, and my psychiatrist is on first name basis with my primary doctor, who by the way is fabulous and knows a lot about fibromyalgia. All three of them know and respect each other. Believe me, that is such a comfort to the patient!

Even though I don't feel like much of a musician right now, there are plenty of musicians (and other people) who still have faith in me, and believe that I will one day achieve my dreams (once I figure them out, of course!).

Our two adorable cats, Clara and Minnie!

There are plenty more things, but I think that's enough for now.

Thank you for reading. :)

Blog a day for a week

2006-08-16T21:26:00.000-04:00

My friend, Allegra, (at currentconductor.blogspot.com) and I realized that we would like to update our blogs more often, so we agreed to write a blog a day for a week.

My news for the day is that my mom has decided that her way of helping me feel better and gain more self-confidence, etc. is to bankroll a make-over for me: hair, make-up, some clothing and shoes! Kind of exciting, right!? Yes, and a little bit frightening. I have resisted make-up and doing anything more than a trim at Supercuts forever. And I've finally been feeling well enough to focus on changing my lifestyle to include better nutrition, exercise nearly every day and regular sleep. It's a lot of work, and finding a hair stylist, etc. will require more time, energy and effort.

I have to admit that my mom did a very good job of presenting a topic that she knows I've resisted. She did research on a new hair dryer, found a brand of shoes that I can actually wear with my orthodics and everything and then sent me a book that we looked over together during a long phone conversation. She even told me before hand to have my teddy bear (she sent it as a hug in her stead, since she's 3,000 miles away) with me. And she told me that she doesn't want this to be a financial burden, so she will treat. Wow!

I found a website where I can download a picture of myself and "try on" hundreds of hair styles (including dreds and brigt purple spikes!-- not my style, but cool to play with). Today, I found three pairs of Sketchers that can replace the black sneakers I've been wearing day in and day out for the past few years! It was pretty exciting. After being dissatisfied with myself and my body practically since kindergarten, making myself over just might improve my self-image and also help ward off depression. I think that that's my mom's hope.

I'll give it a try. Wish me luck!

Friends

2006-08-12T17:04:00.000-04:00

I have recently been working hard to connect and reconnect with friends.

Even though I'm married to a wonderful man and have two cats, I've still been feeling somewhat lonely. Virtually all of my friends and family are scattered all over the country, CA, CO, AK, TX, IL, IN, TN, OH, PA, VA, upstate NY, South Jersey, MA. I feel a loss that there isn't someone right here that I can just call up and say, "Hey, are you free right now? I'd like to come over." I used to have a Thursday night "Girl's Night". We watched Friends, Scrubs and Will & Grace and talked. We shared feelings, supported and encouraged each other, laughed and had fun. Then she moved to Southern CA.

People used to stay in the same town, or at least the same area or state. Now, so many of us travel far away from home for college. Some people move back, but others go on to yet another location for grad school, and then yet another location for that job, and then they get relocated.... It is so much more likely for people to move in and out of our lives for short periods of time.

It can be so difficult to keep in touch. Some of the friends we have will continue to be friends even after moving across the country, and others will drift away.

I realized though, how pervasive the internet is, and how I enjoy keeping up with the lives of a few friends who update their blogs regularly. It's not sharing a night of prime time TV, or talking over ice cream, but it is keeping in touch. And we can respond to posts, and the author can respond back. We can receive encouragement and support, a good laugh, interesting information and still maintain a friendship!

Last night I did have dinner with a friend, who by the way is moving to Boston, and we decided to make a joint effort to write blog entries every day for a week. So, even though she will be in Boston and I will be in New Jersey, we will be doing something together, and encouraging each other to maintain our blogs! That's cool. :)

What a thing, the internet!

So maybe not starting fresh

2006-04-16T21:01:00.000-04:00

This battle with depression seems to go on and on. Apparently, it's part of something bigger, which requires more orange bottles with childproof caps than I would prefer. I'm rather annoyed at the quantity of said bottles, actually.

My world now seems to revolve around pills, dealing with heartburn and stomach aches and insomnia, monitoring my mood, trying to talk myself out of depression before it really hits, and riding the wave of panic attacks confident that the excrutiating pain will pass within the next hour or so. Easy? Not at all.

In addition to all of the above, I have to function at work, go to rehearsals, take care of the necessities and LIVE!

Sometimes it makes me wonder...
... but there's got to be some purpose... some reason... right?

I had a dream at the end of December that I was trying to play a trombone (note that I've never even tried playing a brass instrument). I struggle with it greatly. From the dream came a poem, which I posted earlier, and a drawing that speaks to my battle with life right now.

Starting fresh

2006-03-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

Much of this blog has been rather depressing. To tell you the truth, I was quite depressed while writing most of it!

But with more than a little help from more than a friend I am feeling better. Thank you to all of my friends who helped!

I just wanted to say that.

Thanks.

I am the trombone

2005-12-30T16:32:00.001-05:00

I am the trombone.

You are trying to make a sound.
You are trying to join the music around us.
But I am heavy. You cannot hold me up.
The conudctor uses his foot to push me into position.

You can see the music, but you cannot hear my sound.
I can't hear my own sound above the din of music around us.
Have I made a sound?

Though we try with all our might, no sound comes out.
Why do I have a mute in my bell?

You move my slide, but nothing changes.
What's wrong?

Why can't I sing?

The Land of the Living

2005-12-21T11:25:00.000-05:00

After about a week or more characterized by depression and suppressed anger I have finally returned to the Land of the Living.

The "other land" I was in is a strange place-- a place of misery and deep, dark fog. No one chooses to enter this land, yet once the fog's tendrills slip into the lonely spaces of our soul attempting to leave this land looks utterly futile. The fog speaks in our ear like the devil and stops up our other ear "protecting" us from the Song of Hope.

No one smiles in that land. People in that land cannot accept the kindness of others. Instead, kindness only evokes more grumpiness and anger. The words of the fog encourage brewding over all of our lonely and angry thoughts. Once it finds our self-doubts and anxiety the voices of the fog taunt us with them, so that we can think of nothing else even in our dreams.

Instead of letting us enjoy the brilliance of the sun, the fog highlights the sun's glare. It denies us joy and pleasure even in things we most love. In that land we may even find food dissatisfying and unappealing. Encouraging us to abstain from food is another way that the fog in that land weakens us to its will, thereby making it nearly impossible for us to pull ourselves out of its dark embrace. We inevitably even loose all desire to be anywhere other than this miserable place.

We scoff at words of encouragement. "You'll make it through this," a loved one may tell us. "That's easy for you to say! I will never feel better!" we retort from the Land of Dark Fog.

Until, without warning, a gentle breeze crosses our face, the fog lifts, the mood softens, and we finally breath the free air of the Land of the Living once again. It may come in an instant or slowly over several hours. We may feel tired, but as if a heavy load has been removed.

We feel the return of our smile, and, though we may still not have faith in it, we can again hear the Song of Hope.

Hello, Morning. My name is pain.

2005-11-22T10:49:00.000-05:00

I had a sad thought last night. I can't remember not feeling pain.

It waxes and wanes. Sometimes it is just there and doesn't really bother me. Other times, like today, pain encompasses my whole being making it difficult to think of anything else.

I'm supposed to tell myself that it won't feel like this forever. I know that statement is true, but in these times when every inch of my body hurts, it's very difficult to believe. It's much easier to remember pain than to remember no pain. It's easier to remember hunger than comfortably stuffed.

I try to reconnect to possitive feelings, but even the joy on my wedding day is like a screen at arms length. I see the joy, but my current pain inhibits me from feeling it. Just as the image of singing to my husband during our first dance makes my chest fill full and free, sharp pain shakes me back to the present.

In my yoga class this weekend the teacher instructed us to breathe into the location where we have pain. "Location singular?" I asked in my head. "I couldn't possibly bring in enough air to direct to all of my locations of pain!"

But "this too shall pass." And some day I'll feel the absense of pain. Right?

To choose or not to choose?

2005-11-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

We don't get to choose where we are born, who our parents are, what our station in life is (at least at the beginning), but we are told that we choose our career.

I'm not so sure, however, how much of a choice I have. I believe that being a musician was chosen for me. Not that I have overbearing parents who decided when I was born that I would be a doctor because they didn't have the opportunity. Goodness, what parent would chose for a child to be an artist of any sort? Thankfully, my parents did not get in the way at all, but something must have.

I have often thought about how much easier my life would be if I were content with being an administrative assistant, a limo driver, a sand and gravel salesman, a house cleaner... There are those, you know. Then I wouldn't have to sing my daily chorus, "I don't wanna go to work. I don't wanna go to work..." But that's just the thing-- even my whine is musical!

The several major fibromylgia flare-ups this past year or so have made me look at my career closely. Until this summer I didn't know what was causing me so much pain that I couldn't hold music, drive comfortably, sleep comfortably, play the piano, hold a pencil. It really put music as a career in jeopardy. I'm neither a good enough composer to work without the piano (much less a pencil), nor a good enough conductor to conduct by hardly moving. Learning the music to conduct still requires the use of a piano, anyway!

When I complained of hand pain in high school, the doctor suggested that I not play the piano, use the computer and sew. So I tired putting my needles away-- it didn't work. This past year when I considered putting music aside it didn't work either. I couldn't imagine my life without it. Not only that, though, music wouldn't release it's hold on me!

I didn't choose this profession; it chose me. It chose me when I was 4 years old dancing in the living room while my father played the piano. (Grieg was my favorite.) It chose me when I wrote my first song at age seven, "Mary will you marry me?" (whatever!) and conducted The Orchestra of my Stereo playing The Pines of Rome. (When I was little I thought there was a tiny orchestra in the radio, and I always marveled at how they knew when to start!)

Thankfully, now I know "from whence cometh" my pain, and how to manage it-- at least to a degree. I no longer think of abandoning my life force- music. It is somewhat humiliating, though, to be 28 and unable to hold my own music in a choral concert-- much less have to sit for it. I wish I could abandon music and all creative drives, so I could be satisfied being an administrative assistant (the day job that pays the bills, and gets me and my musician husband health insurance). But in the exuberance after a performance well done, the bliss of a creative high, and even when it feels as though my body is falling apart all over, I am glad that music chooses to stay with me.

Dying House

2005-11-03T15:07:00.000-05:00

On my way to work I pass a sad patch of land that used to be fertile farmland. A couple of months ago I noticed that it had become over-run by weeds and tall grasses. Then the large equipment came to clear the land. I was pleased to see the elimination of weeds, but then more equipment arrived to move around the dirt.

“Oh,” I groaned. “Not another new housing development!”

Day by day the machinery changes the landscape of the vast field. New trucks, stones and port-o-pots arrive daily. It grieves me to see the beautiful open land turned into yet another cookie cutter community.

Perhaps the saddest part, though, is the old farmhouse at the edge of the field. I had not noticed it before the beginning of the development. Now it stands alone as a reminder of what used to be. It must be old, but how old I cannot tell. It appears to have been abandoned for years. The paint has all but fallen off the wood slats. A window or two is broken. Ever so slowly the face of the house slips overcome by the grayness of despair.

What a lonely state for a house.

“Why do they let it suffer like that?” I wonder on my way to work.

“Why not take a wrecker ball and put it out of its misery?” I ask on my way home, when I notice that half of the porch now hangs as if by a thread and I can see the storm clouds through the cracks in the walls.

The whole world goes on around it. Cars race passed; trucks move dirt around it in preparation for new houses, but the farmhouse remains-- dieing a little more very day with no one except for me to notice.

Sometimes I feel like that house.

I drove by the house yesterday. It was with mixed emotions that I discovered it leveled to the ground-- relief for the end of its suffering, yet a sadness for the loss of a friend. All that remained by the end of the day was a pile of old stone foundation. Its face had already been carted away.
I feel a place of emptiness where the old farmhouse once stood. I wanted them to tear it down to put it out of its misery, but now I wish that they had nursed it back to life instead. A lump rose in my throat for I could not stay to mourn. But as a ship passing in the night continued down the road%