It's a typical Wednesday. I'm at work. (Shhhh! Don't tell my boss! :) )
I'm sitting at my desk with various small projects to do: a quote to write up here, type an email there, print a couple manuals, fiddle with creating reports in our new database... But I don't feel like working.
I don't feel like sitting at this desk. I look with distaste at the papers scattered around me and with longing at the blue sky outside. What am I doing here? What is this something inside me that wants to bust out? Must I contain the creative energy pushing at my seams? Where are my pastels when I need them? Where's the dance floor? Where's the paint brush? A piano? What about splashing in the ocean? Brrrr! A random car trip? Anything but sitting for the next four hours at this desk!!!
As of Monday John and I have been married for six years. It hardly seems possible that so much time has gone by. But then, we have endured and enjoyed much in that time. Monday evening we enjoyed swapping memories of days and times that we can now laugh at. :) I still can't believe it-- six years!
Happy Birthday to me!
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. It's hard to believe, but I guess I 'm getting used to being in my thirties instead of my twenties! It was a mostly busy but bla day at work, but the day got better and better! My parents had a small flower pot in a tea cup from 1800flowers sent to my office , I spoke with everyone in my family. My dad left a particularly amusing sung message on my answering machine! Several friends called or emailed, and John actually wrote in a card and had it on my plate when I arrived at our regular "bad Chinese" dinner. (On Tuesdays and Wednesdays he teaches at a store in a strip mall with a Chinese place practically next door. I usually meet him there one of the two days.)I really appreciate everyone's well wishes. They made me feel very special and loved. We all need to be reminded of that every once in a while!
We are positively floating away out here! I told my mom recently, that if this weather pattern keeps up, we're going to need a boat! (Ironically, my grandparents are on a cruise. ;) )The grass sure is emerald green, though. And the pansies love it. But I'm getting rather sick of it being wet, or threatening to be wet for at least part of every day for the past two weeks or so. And the times that it's not wet it's windy, so it still feels cool, and I still can't paint our house.That's my new project. I have started, but only because I'm stubbornly looking over the fact that the house should be dry for a few days before painting. But I'm so excited about it! The paint on our house wasn't in the best shape when we moved in. Over the past four years the weather has really effected it, so now it's fading and peeling.I have attacked the peeling steps first. Hooray for electric sanders! Our front and back steps look much better, though in my enthusiasm to get new color on them I didn't take off quite as much paint as I should. Oh well. The aluminum siding will be a beautiful, pale yellow called Summer Smile. The shutters, doors and future planter boxes will be a muted green (of course) called Hanging Vine, and then we have a warm beige for the porches and foundation (Mediterranean Mocha). Ooo! I can't wait to see it finished!Rain, rain go away, so I can paint for many a day!
The diet conundrum
There is so much time, money and space concentrating on losing weight these days. It's all over magazines, such as Prevention and Reader's Digest, ads on TV and all over the internet. Diet, diet diet! Miracle pills! "Loose 40 lbs in two weeks!" "How to eat what you want and loose weight." "Easy low calorie dinners." Low fat! Low calories! No carbs! It makes me sick. It especially bothers me since my doctor taught me that we are better off with fewer carbs than the general public eats; but more importantly, that the key to healthy eating is a balance between carbs (which our brains need in order to function), fat (which insures that we don't get sugar rushes and diabetes later on) and protein (for muscle growth and health)... And yet... I'm finding that I need to concentrate on my diet, too, and it's just so hard. My primary issue is medication, which increases my appetite. My secondary problem is an addiction to chocolate! Oh, yum! My previous medication caused me to loose a lot of weight. It was nice at first, but it wouldn't level off. I was technically still a healthy weight for my height and age, but I didn't feel healthy and believed that I might waste away if the trend continued. My current medication causes the opposite problem! Upon starting this medication I nearly immediately bounced back to a more comfortable weight, and my doctor pleaded that I not gain more (this medication can cause cholesterol to get out of hand). I don't believe that I'm eating that much too much, but I seem to continue gaining weight at much the same rate that I lost weight previously. I know that letting chocolate back into my life has something to do with it, but it just seems so unfair! I'm not even a "food person". If it weren't for the fact that we can't function with out it, I wouldn't miss very much food-- except for chocolate, of course!Diet, diet, diet! Low fat! Low calories! No carbs! Yuck! How come we can't just pick a weight, and our body obediently sticks with it?!
I don't know what's with me today. I'm tired, easily over-whelmed and irritable; and all I can think of is wanting chocolate. I've realized recently that chocolate and sweets in general affect my mood negatively, so I'm trying to stay away from them. It seems that there is a never ending supply of something tempting, and someone tempting me with them at work. So I appealed to my coworkers to stop offering or encouraging "cheating." Of course, all I need is for them to leave the room for me to raid a candy jar. Right now there are dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses. I can plop one of those in my mouth in a jiffy and enjoy sucking on it for several minutes. Today, though there have continually been people in the room! I can't raid the jar! So, of course, I crave chocolate (and solitude) more.I escaped to WAWA for some hot chocolate, a king size bag of peanut M&M's and some solitude in my car. At least my craving is satisfied, but who knows the longer term repercussions, though. I hope it's not too bad. John is playing in a faculty show case tonight. I don't want to be in a down mood for that.
There are times when we don't quite get what we're hoping for out of a conversation. That was not so for me today.As most of you know, I have a BM in composition and an MM in choral conducting. But, as you may also be aware, I work 9-5 (well... 9:30-5) as an administrative assistant (sales administrator is my new official title!). I feel like a failure being in a no growth job for 5 years. It's not a bad job by any means. I am respected and treated well, but sometimes I don't feel as though I'm challenged enough, and I worry about music in my life. I don't want a church job, a professorship or a school job, and composition is just hard, so what do I do? How do I reconcile music in my life when we need this 9-5 job for income and health benefits, and I'm not sure I can really sustain the life of a musician/ conductor.I've talked to several people about it. "Why don't you make music your hobby?" they suggest. Two degrees and over 15 years of dedication a hobby? My therapist has not been able to help much. Most therapists seem to really be clueless about the life of an artist. I have wanted to talk about my dilemma to someone who really understands, so I set up a lunch date with a former professor with whom I have worked for several years and then kept in touch. He knows me as a person, and as a conductor and composer. I showed him a piece that I wrote recently for a small community choir and launched in.As I spoke I realized that what I need most is reassurance that what I'm doing and where I am is ok. I'm not a failure."I watched you, and saw all the stuff you have to do," I stumbled. "I love being on the podium, but I just don't think I can handle the rest of what it takes. I keep thinking about how Dr. F would shake his head if he knew that I'm not conducting, but I know I shouldn't worry about that...""What's most important is that you are happy... You make decisions based on where your life takes you... Dr. F wouldn't shake his head if he took the time to know why you've made your decisions... You can do as little or as much as you like... What you are doing allows John to do what he is doing, and that is special."His words felt like a comforting blanket.We talked about trying to compose more, enter competitions and figure out how to publish and market my music. I wouldn't make a lot of money, but it is all possible. I can pursue music and be happy. Even with a 9-5.What a comfort. What a relief. And best of all, no matter what I'm not a failure.