Reassuring Conversation
There are times when we don't quite get what we're hoping for out of a conversation. That was not so for me today.
As most of you know, I have a BM in composition and an MM in choral conducting. But, as you may also be aware, I work 9-5 (well... 9:30-5) as an administrative assistant (sales administrator is my new official title!). I feel like a failure being in a no growth job for 5 years. It's not a bad job by any means. I am respected and treated well, but sometimes I don't feel as though I'm challenged enough, and I worry about music in my life. I don't want a church job, a professorship or a school job, and composition is just hard, so what do I do? How do I reconcile music in my life when we need this 9-5 job for income and health benefits, and I'm not sure I can really sustain the life of a musician/ conductor.
I've talked to several people about it. "Why don't you make music your hobby?" they suggest. Two degrees and over 15 years of dedication a hobby? My therapist has not been able to help much. Most therapists seem to really be clueless about the life of an artist.
I have wanted to talk about my dilemma to someone who really understands, so I set up a lunch date with a former professor with whom I have worked for several years and then kept in touch. He knows me as a person, and as a conductor and composer. I showed him a piece that I wrote recently for a small community choir and launched in.
As I spoke I realized that what I need most is reassurance that what I'm doing and where I am is ok. I'm not a failure.
"I watched you, and saw all the stuff you have to do," I stumbled. "I love being on the podium, but I just don't think I can handle the rest of what it takes. I keep thinking about how Dr. F would shake his head if he knew that I'm not conducting, but I know I shouldn't worry about that..."
"What's most important is that you are happy... You make decisions based on where your life takes you... Dr. F wouldn't shake his head if he took the time to know why you've made your decisions... You can do as little or as much as you like... What you are doing allows John to do what he is doing, and that is special."
His words felt like a comforting blanket.
We talked about trying to compose more, enter competitions and figure out how to publish and market my music. I wouldn't make a lot of money, but it is all possible. I can pursue music and be happy. Even with a 9-5.
What a comfort. What a relief. And best of all, no matter what I'm not a failure.
posted by Christianne @ 3:34 PM
2 Comments:
So, I should keep sending you notices I see for composition competitions? :-)
I know what you mean about reassurance, I think, though it found me a little differently this week. I'm getting ready for my last run at the Met competition next Friday. I know I'm not Met material, but I'd just like to get out of the prelims for once. I am fully aware that my own insecurities are holding me back more than anything else right now. As much as I know the judge who said it was way out of line, I can't shake her accusation that my performance that day was an embarrassment to my education. Except she didn't see it (or say it) as "my performance that day" - she saw it as "me" or "my abilities." My intellect tells me that her comment was based on one of my worst performances and therefore it doesn't really matter, but Satan keeps repeating it to me and it tortures me.
So, I remembered that the best time in my life as a singer was probably my last year and a half at IU when I studied with Klara Barlow. The woman never succeeded in remembering my name, but she built up the diva in me -- the one my two previous IU teachers had nearly crushed to bits. The confidence she encouraged in me set my voice free and corrected a whole mess of technical problems without her ever having to address them directly.
I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm awesome just so I feel good - I still need that constructive criticism that is part of taking lessons, but I also need something else that is very hard to find, and you said it: reassurance.
Hmm... this little "comment" has been very good for me. I think I'll repost it on my blog. :-)
So, I'm right there with you, sister!
You are definitely not a failure! Maybe it will help to hear that the women's quartet I started is now finally taking wing, and we took our your Dickinson pieces and were looking at them. No promises on a performance yet, but it's a possibility!
It's hard to work 9-5 and then come home and compose, but I encourage you to keep trying.
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