Chocolate Craving

I don't know what's with me today. I'm tired, easily over-whelmed and irritable; and all I can think of is wanting chocolate.

I've realized recently that chocolate and sweets in general affect my mood negatively, so I'm trying to stay away from them. It seems that there is a never ending supply of something tempting, and someone tempting me with them at work. So I appealed to my coworkers to stop offering or encouraging "cheating." Of course, all I need is for them to leave the room for me to raid a candy jar. Right now there are dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses. I can plop one of those in my mouth in a jiffy and enjoy sucking on it for several minutes.

Today, though there have continually been people in the room! I can't raid the jar! So, of course, I crave chocolate (and solitude) more.

I escaped to WAWA for some hot chocolate, a king size bag of peanut M&M's and some solitude in my car. At least my craving is satisfied, but who knows the longer term repercussions, though. I hope it's not too bad. John is playing in a faculty show case tonight. I don't want to be in a down mood for that.

Reassuring Conversation

There are times when we don't quite get what we're hoping for out of a conversation. That was not so for me today.

As most of you know, I have a BM in composition and an MM in choral conducting. But, as you may also be aware, I work 9-5 (well... 9:30-5) as an administrative assistant (sales administrator is my new official title!). I feel like a failure being in a no growth job for 5 years. It's not a bad job by any means. I am respected and treated well, but sometimes I don't feel as though I'm challenged enough, and I worry about music in my life. I don't want a church job, a professorship or a school job, and composition is just hard, so what do I do? How do I reconcile music in my life when we need this 9-5 job for income and health benefits, and I'm not sure I can really sustain the life of a musician/ conductor.

I've talked to several people about it. "Why don't you make music your hobby?" they suggest. Two degrees and over 15 years of dedication a hobby? My therapist has not been able to help much. Most therapists seem to really be clueless about the life of an artist.

I have wanted to talk about my dilemma to someone who really understands, so I set up a lunch date with a former professor with whom I have worked for several years and then kept in touch. He knows me as a person, and as a conductor and composer. I showed him a piece that I wrote recently for a small community choir and launched in.

As I spoke I realized that what I need most is reassurance that what I'm doing and where I am is ok. I'm not a failure.

"I watched you, and saw all the stuff you have to do," I stumbled. "I love being on the podium, but I just don't think I can handle the rest of what it takes. I keep thinking about how Dr. F would shake his head if he knew that I'm not conducting, but I know I shouldn't worry about that..."

"What's most important is that you are happy... You make decisions based on where your life takes you... Dr. F wouldn't shake his head if he took the time to know why you've made your decisions... You can do as little or as much as you like... What you are doing allows John to do what he is doing, and that is special."

His words felt like a comforting blanket.

We talked about trying to compose more, enter competitions and figure out how to publish and market my music. I wouldn't make a lot of money, but it is all possible. I can pursue music and be happy. Even with a 9-5.

What a comfort. What a relief. And best of all, no matter what I'm not a failure.