Make-over update

First I'd like to share a really beautiful coincidence. I received emails from two of my friends on opposite coasts at exactly the same time! 7:32pm. Who would have thought it possible. :)

Now for the update. Last night I met up with two friends who tirelessly worked to convince me that I am beautiful and should show it off. We spent two hours shopping: trying on jeans after jeans and pants after pants and all sorts of tops. Oh! But first they took me to get my eyebrows waxed! What an experience!

It is all quite an adjustment. I spent my whole life thinking that I was plain and ugly (except for my hair), and then they put me in jeans and slacks that I would never buy on my own to show off my butt, waist, hips... and tops to show of my bust and waist. In a way I felt naked. I have always covered up those things. Maybe I was hiding from myself.

I was extremely relieved, however, when one of my friends, who was a model as a teenager, strongly encouraged me NOT to cut my hair! My mom doesn't like the way I have been wearing it half up. Perhaps that's why she wants me to get it cut. But when my friend and I get together tomorrow for the make-up part, she's going to show me some other ways to wear it down, but out of my face. I'm glad, because I really don't want to cut if off.

I keep imagining Jo in the old black and white version of Little Women crying herself to sleep after cutting her beautiful long hair to earn the money to send their mother to their war injured father.
"Father will be alright, Jo. Don't worry," her sister consoles her.
"That's not it," Jo sobs back.
"What is it, then?"
"My hair!"

I went shopping today!

Yes, I went shopping and all by myself. It might sound strange to you, but that is actually quite a feat for me! I relied on my own judgment instead of requiring the approval of anyone else.

I went to church this morning (we sang Brahms' "How Lovely is Thy Dwelling Place" for the Anthem today! Ah! Bliss!), and then decided to stop by Sears just to see what the clothing selection was like since I'm trying to move out of my frumpy stage, but still have to account for the Zoloft/ M&M's belly. I decided to try on a whole variety of clothes, even some that I wouldn't normally think I'd like-- just to try.

Well... some of the things I thought I'd like, I didn't really. And some of the things I didn't think I'd like surprised me! And, I found to my great pleasure, that I can still fit into size 8 skirts, it's just the shorts and pants that need to be bigger. Sigh of relief!

I walked out with two skirt and blouse sets, an additional top for each skirt, and a beautiful red top, because I can never have too many red tops. :)

I felt slightly guilty spending the money on myself, but so pleased with some more mature, feminine and flattering outfits for the fall!

Creativity at work

My job is rather boring at times. I often find myself playing computer games or surfing the web for much of the day. I have often pondered whether I was depressed because of my job, or simply bored at my job because I was depressed. Don't get me wrong, it's a fine job most of the time. The people respect me, they give me space when I needed, try to make me talk when I need to, offer good health benefits, let me correct their grammar (I only do that when I'm typing up letters and such). But you get the idea.

When I feel good, I can usually find some kind of organizational or otherwise creative project to keep me busy. Would you believe it, before I relabeled dozens of files we had to constantly try to remember, "Now was that Bakery of New York or THE Bakery of New York?" There was practically a whole drawer of customers starting with the word 'the.' Not anymore! had anyone there been in a library before? Likewise, customers and leads without business names were filed by first name! One of my latest projects has been shifting the tabs on the hanging files to insure that there aren't three files in a row with the tap in the same location. Files simply disappear that way. :)

The project du jour (or deux jours) has been creating new directions to our office. A year ago my boss sold the building, and we are now in a different part of the building, and then the turnpike authority decided to entirely change the design of the off-ramp for our exit. The guy who was at the company before me (he was actually a salesman, but set up several organizational things as well) created a document to send with a drawing and some written directions. It always bothered me, though, because he oriented his drawings so that driving south was actually going *up* the page instead of down. Aren't all maps more or less designed so that north is up and south is down?

I love creating better versions of the things that this previous guy did. Yes, a little pride issue. :) In any event, I am quite proud of the drawing that I came up with. I show stop lights and can even fit the entire directions for coming to our office from two major roads on the same page (as opposed to one major road on two pages). It's a little thing, but it makes me happy. And I've decided to create similar documents with directions coming from the south and west! Fun!

My drawing program of choice? Microsoft Word. ;)

So much for a swimming date

I woke up in a crappy mood this morning. I don't understand how, seeing as I'm on a potent sleeping medication, went to bed on time and got 7.5 to 8 hours of sleep. Rather frustrating! My dear husband knew just the cure. Of course, in my mood I wasn't too receptive, but grudgingly put on clothes for a walk. It is amazing what moving the blood around does. I wasn't in a great mood afterward, but definitely improved.

John teaches at a music store until 9pm on Tuesday's, so I usually go swimming right after work. Today, though, his last students rescheduled, so we planned to go swimming together. So... John got home, we grabbed our bags and walked down the block and across a 4 lane street with no cross walk to the gym. Just as we opened the door, however, I realized that I'd left my keys with my key chain gym pass at home. So... we walked back across the road and up the block to the house, retrieved the keys, walked back down the block, across the busy street...

Finally, we made it to the gym. I got into my swim suit, checked the dreaded scale, and then at probably the same moment in our separate locker rooms we read the sign on the pool door:
The pool willl be closed from Monday, August 21st through Sunday, August 27th for maintenance. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Well... change back out of the swim suit and head across that busy street and back up the block to the house once again!

At least we did get some exercise, and I'm in a remarkably better mood inspite of it all

Monday, Monday

I don't have much to say today. It's been kind of a bummer day.

Yesterday evening I put on some shorts that used to be loose and no longer are at all. It was rather upsetting, especially since I've been doing everything right for the past few months. Fie on Zoloft and M&M's months and months and months ago! Everyone says I just have to be patient....

Anyway, I did eventually find something that fit, and we drove out to the shore for supper and a walk on the beach. It was nice. I love the sound, feel and smell of the ocean. It's so awesome and powerful. Mysterious really. We couldn't tell if the tide were still rising or turning. But then along came a wave that caught both of us unaware. We were able to stay standing, but we'll just say underwear got splashed!

The sound of the ocean has always been calming for me. It was so nice to be away from the real world for 30 minutes or so. But then it was time to head back up to the boardwalk to wash up and drive home. As we walked the sound of the waves grew fainter and the sound of the world grew louder. I stopped to catch the last bit of the ocean before continuing onward to the sound of a siren, someone's radio, people laughing as the walked down the boardwalk.

I wished we could have stayed in the ocean world a little longer. Away from clothing sizes, anxieties and world issues. Wouldn't it be nice?

My apologies for missing yesterday!

My husband and I spent hours outside digging out grass and weeds parading as grass on the south side of our house to prepare a flower bed. We decided to take a "break" and check out nurseries to compare prices for bulbs. We had seen bulbs at Home Depot the night before, so we were rather suprised to learn after driving to no fewer than 4 nurseries all over the area that bulbs aren't even available for purchase for another month!

Undetered, we headed back home for some more work... only my body said, "please don't do anymore." It pleaded, I persisted with at least pulling out weeds if not jumping on sovels, digging up sections of lawn and then sitting on my knees to shake the dirt out of the clump. Believe me, I'm sore!

I checked online for online bulb catalogues, so I can start my comparison shopping, but then I just didn't have the energy for a blog. :( I made it to church this morning, but took a 2 hour nap upon returning home!

New shoes!

I have resisted shoe shopping for years. I kid that my husband has more pairs of shoes than I do! Finding shoes that fit my feet is nearly impossible. My feet are rather narrow, but my big toes are rather big. And to add insult to injury, I have to wear orthodics. Finding shoes that fit both my feet and my orthodics proves to be quite a challenge.

For the past 6 years I had resigned myself to sneakers. When my white and blue ones were deemed unacceptable for choral performances, I found black ones, which I ended up wearing day in and day out. When they died, I replaced them with the same ones.

Finally, I heard of a brand that actually does make shoes that my feet and orthodics fit into: Sketchers. I located stores that carry them, and low and behold, there was even a sale! I bought three pairs! I now have some *white* sneakers, a pair of brown flats and a pair of black flats that have sparklies on them.

The magic?
1. Their insoles are nearly as tall as my orthodics, so I can easily replace their insoles with mine
2. Even though they don't come in narrow sizes, the cute strap is velcro and adjustable
3. They still have rubber soles to absorb some of the shock of walking
4. The toe area is nice and round, so there is plenty of room for my big, big toes!

I wore the borwn shoes today and feel so much more feminine and stylish! I never thought I'd like shoes. :)

I am thankful

Someone recently reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for. Even though I struggle with two chronic diseases (more on the second later) that limit my activities and dreams, at least for a while, I'm still in a better place than many who share my situation or similar ones. She is absolutely correct. I know how some people with these diseases live from support groups online and in the area. So, I decided at that moment to write a list of what I have to be thankful for.

A supportive family. Even though it has been difficult at times for them to understand and know how to help (especially being 3,000 miles away), they continue to support and have faith in my ability to fight to overcome my limitations.

An unbelievable husband who has stayed by me even through the worst of my depression, continues to believe that I will find balance and enjoyment in life. He is an inspiration to me, because when he first came out here it was very hard to find work as a flutist, and even though he doubted himself at times, he persevered and is finally really succeeding at pursuing his passion of playing and teaching the flute.

Friends who are a never ending source of love, laughs and support. We're always there for each other, we just have to call, or write. Wow!

We own a house with a beautiful little plot of land. Homeownership can be stressful, especially if you are trying to remodel it yourself, but it is a blessing as well. We have wonderful neighbors, which is also a plus.

Even though I've had some pretty disfunctional days (playing computer games and brooding at my computer much of the time), I've been able to keep my job, and the people I work with are understanding and appreciate me.

A great team of doctors. My therapist shares many patients with my psychiatrist; my primary doctor is my therapist's primary doctor, and my psychiatrist is on first name basis with my primary doctor, who by the way is fabulous and knows a lot about fibromyalgia. All three of them know and respect each other. Believe me, that is such a comfort to the patient!

Even though I don't feel like much of a musician right now, there are plenty of musicians (and other people) who still have faith in me, and believe that I will one day achieve my dreams (once I figure them out, of course!).

Our two adorable cats, Clara and Minnie!

There are plenty more things, but I think that's enough for now.

Thank you for reading. :)

Blog a day for a week

My friend, Allegra, (at currentconductor.blogspot.com) and I realized that we would like to update our blogs more often, so we agreed to write a blog a day for a week.

My news for the day is that my mom has decided that her way of helping me feel better and gain more self-confidence, etc. is to bankroll a make-over for me: hair, make-up, some clothing and shoes! Kind of exciting, right!? Yes, and a little bit frightening. I have resisted make-up and doing anything more than a trim at Supercuts forever. And I've finally been feeling well enough to focus on changing my lifestyle to include better nutrition, exercise nearly every day and regular sleep. It's a lot of work, and finding a hair stylist, etc. will require more time, energy and effort.

I have to admit that my mom did a very good job of presenting a topic that she knows I've resisted. She did research on a new hair dryer, found a brand of shoes that I can actually wear with my orthodics and everything and then sent me a book that we looked over together during a long phone conversation. She even told me before hand to have my teddy bear (she sent it as a hug in her stead, since she's 3,000 miles away) with me. And she told me that she doesn't want this to be a financial burden, so she will treat. Wow!

I found a website where I can download a picture of myself and "try on" hundreds of hair styles (including dreds and brigt purple spikes!-- not my style, but cool to play with). Today, I found three pairs of Sketchers that can replace the black sneakers I've been wearing day in and day out for the past few years! It was pretty exciting. After being dissatisfied with myself and my body practically since kindergarten, making myself over just might improve my self-image and also help ward off depression. I think that that's my mom's hope.

I'll give it a try. Wish me luck!

Friends

I have recently been working hard to connect and reconnect with friends.

Even though I'm married to a wonderful man and have two cats, I've still been feeling somewhat lonely. Virtually all of my friends and family are scattered all over the country, CA, CO, AK, TX, IL, IN, TN, OH, PA, VA, upstate NY, South Jersey, MA. I feel a loss that there isn't someone right here that I can just call up and say, "Hey, are you free right now? I'd like to come over." I used to have a Thursday night "Girl's Night". We watched Friends, Scrubs and Will & Grace and talked. We shared feelings, supported and encouraged each other, laughed and had fun. Then she moved to Southern CA.

People used to stay in the same town, or at least the same area or state. Now, so many of us travel far away from home for college. Some people move back, but others go on to yet another location for grad school, and then yet another location for that job, and then they get relocated.... It is so much more likely for people to move in and out of our lives for short periods of time.

It can be so difficult to keep in touch. Some of the friends we have will continue to be friends even after moving across the country, and others will drift away.

I realized though, how pervasive the internet is, and how I enjoy keeping up with the lives of a few friends who update their blogs regularly. It's not sharing a night of prime time TV, or talking over ice cream, but it is keeping in touch. And we can respond to posts, and the author can respond back. We can receive encouragement and support, a good laugh, interesting information and still maintain a friendship!

Last night I did have dinner with a friend, who by the way is moving to Boston, and we decided to make a joint effort to write blog entries every day for a week. So, even though she will be in Boston and I will be in New Jersey, we will be doing something together, and encouraging each other to maintain our blogs! That's cool. :)

What a thing, the internet!